Being Christmas time, we do a lot of shopping (okay, I am REALLY stretching here), but as of late, I have noticed an alarming correlation between dating and shopping. I asked a select group of my friends what sort of shoppers they were (guys and girls), only to have my theory confirmed. We DO date like we shop. So, I’ve decided to go pseudo-psychology on all of my friends and fix all their dating woes.

CASE ONE:

J has a goal in mind, but on J’s way through the store, J gets lost and buys a whole lot of other things that J doesn’t need and later might not even want. How does J avoid this? J shops through the internet.

Pseudo-psychologist: Have you tried online dating?

CASE TWO:

H looks at everything in the store before deciding what H wants. H tries it all on, stays forever in the dressing room then buys it all and returns it all the next day. If H finds out the store doesn’t have a return policy, H won’t buy from that store. H likes to put things on hold, but H won’t come back for it. The only way H keeps purchases is when H’s parents bought them.

Pseudo-psychologist: Definitely a commitment-phobe. H probably wouldn’t even keep the siblings if H’s parents didn’t force H to be in the family. Possible solutions? An arranged marriage?

CASE THREE:

ST is a “crappy” shopper (ST’s words, not mine). If ST can avoid it, ST doesn’t do it. ST doesn’t like shopping…because ST is cheap.

Pseudo-Psychologist: Uh? Enough said.

CASE FOUR:

JE is meticulous. JE is a comparative shopper and wants the most bang for the buck, so JE buys quality (though JE never wants to pay full price). JE believes buying cheap will cost JE more in the long run because it will shrink or fade. If JE doesn’t have money to shop, JE doesn’t do it.

Pseudo-Psychologist: JE’s a comparative dater and goes for quality…but JE must be willing to pay full price for the best deal! Maybe that means the required time and effort—even if JE doesn’t have the money (i.e; the energy and will to do it).

Author’s note: Oh yes, so wise, pseudo-psychologist, so wise.

CASE FIVE:

PH (brought to you by PH’s popular demand) finds shopping awkward (in own words). PH avoids salespeople, judges styles harshly, is cheap, has unrealistic expectations. PH only shops when it is absolutely necessary (when PH wears down the soles of said shoes until they are gone). So instead of buying these much needed replacement shoes, what does PH do? PH gets spooked by new styles, pushy salespeople, inflated prices, and runs away from the store without buying a single thing.

Pseudo-psychiatrist: Don’t be scared PH.  Your purchases (okay, the whole shoe store) can sense your fear. Salespeople (matchmakers) can be pushy. Agreed. But only if you let them–and you never know, they might have something good to offer. Also, most importantly, don’t shop (date) when you are desperate or you’ll be overwhelmed. Take it easy. Calm down. Don’t be so concerned about your new shoes that you go bare foot forever. You can always take something back. Your new shoes (and the matchmakers) will get over it.

CASE SIX:

ME: I only go shopping when I have a purpose, i.e; ME needs a shirt. But when ME goes to the store, ME ends up only buying pants. The pants aren’t needed…but they look so good. Then ME takes the purchases home and realizes too much money was spent on what ME didn’t need. But ME is too sentimental to take anything back. ME can’t! ME loves the purchases, but ME is rough with them. Many times they end up littering ME’s floor. The only way ME gets rid of anything is if it rips or disappears.

Pseudo-psychiatrist? Obviously…When it comes to dating, I…ur ME doesn’t go for what ME needs, but ME loves whoever it is anyway, treats them roughly (according to the analogy, choke choke) and won’t let them go until they dump ME…or die of old age…whichever.

Yeah, that WAS a crazy correlation. Dating is like shopping? Yeah right (disgusted noise). Although I’m curious, how do you shop?

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