Seeing as Dear Abby has left us to drown like helpless kittens in the evil playground of modern technology, I’m continuing to sponsor TechnoAbby on my blog for the sake of our social lives…and perhaps even our souls:

Dear Techno Abby, I’m having a hard time figuring out what to put on my facebook status updates. Should I put something political?—maybe I should talk about how depressed I am?—I could even hint that I’m angry at someone? What do you think would be the best option?

Techno Abby: Remember, getting political might start a catfight…which might result with more comments on your page, so definitely give it a try. Even more amusing than the ‘depressed’ card is the ‘angry at a mystery person’ game.  You’ll make your friends so paranoid that they’ll write: “That wasn’t me, was it?” OR “hug hug (because they’ll think it was them and they’re afraid to admit it).” You’ll get lots of attention that way, but be careful to only play that card minimally or soon your friends will grow bored of it.

Dear Techno Abby: Is it okay to talk on your cell while you’re on a date or at a group activity?

Techno Abby: It’s okay, but only if everyone else is on the phone. It’s also etiquette to call or text the person next to you if they aren’t already engaged in a wireless conversation. That way no one feels left out.

DEAR TECHNO ABBY: MY FRIENDS THINK I’M MAD AT THEM WHEN I EMAIL THEM. IT’S GOTTEN SO DESPERATE THAT I’VE TAKEN TO WRITING J/K ALL THE TIME AND USING ALL SORTS OF SMILEY EMOTICONS WHEN CORRESPONDING. STILL THEY SEEM UNEASY. WHY AM I FAILING AT LIFE?

Techno Abby: Turn off your caps lock. It’s the key to the left of your A key.

Dear Techno Abby. Okay, so I have this blog, see. And sometimes I find myself trying to get really personal…like I want to talk about my boyfriend who dumped me or what I really think of my best gal pal, what should I do?

Techno Abby: Even though it is amusing for disinterested parties like myself, you have to realize that getting too personal on your blog is like someone stole your diary and published it to the whole school via intercom and you got into trouble with all of your friends and they won’t sit next to you during lunch until you prove yourself by giving a speech while standing on the lunch table after you defended one of these same loser friends. The only difference is that no one stole your diary…and then basically everything else is the same.

Dear Techno Abby, I’m afraid to take my earphones off! The only problem is that sometimes I can’t hear what my friends tell me. Teachers really hate it too. My family now shuns me. My boss is getting mad, so do customers. I’m afraid I might lose my job and everything I love and care about. What do I do?

Techno Abby: I understand. Sometimes it’s best to keep your earphones on, so you don’t let anything or anyone unpleasant in. Perhaps the best plan is to leave your headphones on with the volume turned off. That way if you don’t want to be in the conversation, you can say: “Hey, I got earphones on, homeless man, I can’t give you any money!” At work, it might be a good idea to leave one earbud on and one off. That way you’ll know when your boss talks to you and you can pretend like you hear him. Also, remember, in social situations, having one earbud on actually helps with awkward conversations. Simply sing that song that’s in your ear and suddenly you’ll have something to talk about. Believe me, your family and friends will love it!

Dear Techno Abby, I’m having a problem off the internets. I play a lot of videogames, but not many of the people I know understand just how good I am at these videogames. They treat me like I am just a common individual, instead of the gosu gam3r that is me. Some of them have even told me to play less videogames. Besides their terrible grammar, these people just don’t understand my mad skillz. How can I make them appreciate me as a man-god?

Techno Abby:  Clearly they’re intimidated. Maybe if you stopped correcting their grammar , they might not be afraid to ask you how your brother made glad in wow. As it is…you have no choice but to look down upon these lowly mortals and feel sorry for them.

Dear Techno Abby: Is texting and driving really all that bad?

Techno Abby: It depends on how you define bad? Some claim to text by touch alone, of course usually that is the blind and they’re not so good at driving.

Dear Techno Abby, lately, I’ve been using a lot of acronyms in my texts, emails, etc. But now I can’t stop myself from saying ROFL and LOL and BTW in real life situations . What is wrong with me?

Techno Abby: Well, naturally you are turning into a robot. Soon, you will take over the world. ROFL. wink, AWHFY, nudge nudge. Do you compute? Kill Roy! PING. smiley face.

*If you too have a question for Techno Abby, feel free to write her on this blog and she will attempt to get back to you in her next column of Techno Abby. Thank you!

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