It all happened after an argument in scanning on whether people really get bellybutton lint or not. I said no! And then I got bored and spaced off until someone asked me a question. When I couldn’t answer, I said: “Sorry, I was just contemplating my bellybutton.”—and could you believe it?—everyone thought that was a gross thing to say. I thought it was an analogy from the eastern side of the country or something. My mom says it all the time, you know!—it’s a way to say you’re spacing off.

I also said, “You would complain if you were hung with a new rope!” Once again, the boys at work jerked back in astonishment:  “Well, of course you’d complain if you were hung…even if it was a new rope! No one likes to get hung!” How could I be so dark? Yes, but it’s a saying, right? Right? Mom, did you lead me astray here? Debbie at work even wrote the saying down so she could say it to her children because it was so new and fangled.

What about this saying?—”Deader than a doorknob.” I don’t really know what that means, but I’ve said it…many many times…and equally during those many many times I’ve received blank looks.

So tell me what weird sayings do you have in your life that no one else has heard?—because I swear I’m not different, I’m special! C’mon, admit it! You’re special too!