No one has written an etiquette booklet for modern technology that I know of, Abby must be rolling in her grave…wait, no, she’s not dead. I don’t know. But no matter, I’m willing to take on that heavy responsibility…seeing as my friends (and very possibly me) need some advice on technological etiquette. And so, I introduce to you, Techno Abby:

Dear Techno Abby, must I accept every friend request on facebook?

Techno Abby: Heavens yes. I can’t stress that enough. You must accept every facebook friend, unless they are a crazy stalker or their name is Luscious Linda or they are not a real person. You must make your list of friends as big as you can make it…until facebook starts informing your friends that you have too many friends. That’s the goal.

Dear Techno Abby, lately my friends have been texting me, but I can’t seem to answer them back. My fingers hurt.

Techno Abby: Get over your fat fingers and start texting back…a lot. Etiquette states that you must keep texting back in forth until there is nothing left to say, except a smiley face emoticon. Only then will you know you have ended the conversation. You must leave no one hanging. No answer doesn’t mean no. No answer doesn’t mean yes. No answer doesn’t mean maybe. No answer means you are a pig.

Dear Techno Abby, but what if I have the opposite problem? Lately I’ve answered my texts with lightning quick speed. And then no one answers my texts back…at all.

Techno Abby: Ah yes, that’s because you are creeping out your fellow texters. Keep this rule in mind, unless the text is from a close friend, family member, or someone you don’t care about (possibly all three), never text back right away. It makes you appear as if you’re desperately waiting by the phone…which you are. Count to thirty and then text back. When Mr. or Ms. Right texts you, you’ll be glad you did.

Dear Techno Abby, concerning email. Lately I’ve been getting creepy chainmail letters and forwards. Sure, they start out with nice inspirational stories, and then they tell me to make a wish. I feel so happy…until things get darker. If I don’t forward the email onto seven friends, bad things will happen to me or my own. I have no choice but to forward it on. It feels so wrong, but I’m so scared!

Techno Abby: Man up! First of all, no one likes an email that will curse them and now you’ve just cursed seven of your friends. Of course, you might have seven friends you don’t care about and who you always pass these chain emails onto, but remember these forwards might reach your loved ones in the end and then where will you be? If you accidentally open a chain letter, never finish reading it, and then the curse won’t be complete.

Dear Techno Abby, I have a facebook problem. No one seems to write on my wall. Am I doing something wrong?

Techno Abby: Yes, you must go on facebook home and comment comment comment on other people’s status updates—even if all you say is ‘cool!’ Sometimes alternate that with ‘Awesome.’ Failure to do this will make your friends doubt that you are actually friends, thus leaving an embarrassingly blank wall.

Okay, Techno Abby, that may be, but what if I don’t have a lot of time to spend on fb?

Techno Abby: First off, don’t call it fb like you’re cool or something, its facebook. Second, make your status appear as if you’re offline—that way people won’t know how much time you spend on facebook. Obviously then you won’t have to worry about time.

Dear Techno Abby, besides texting, I’m having a hard time picking up my phone lately. I don’t know…it’s…it’s like I’ve lost my social skills or something. There’s something about a ringtone that sends chills through my spine. People leave messages, but I still can’t bear to return their calls. Am I turning socially stupid?

Techno Abby: Yes, you are.

*If you too have a question for Techno Abby, feel free to write her on this blog and she will attempt to get back to you in her next column of Techno Abby. Thank you!